Through the Dark of Night

Lifetimes of turning around the ancient tower
of searching for a Father God –
finding Her in my own true self
the great benevolent Mother of Life.
Turning to Her again and again
she is the lifeline to my soul
her photograph inviting me
Again and again to gaze
Ever more deeply in myself.

For decades I kindled the ardent flame
to become like Her.
I did not really know how to accomplish
this mysterious surrender thing.

Exploring psychedelic states
I entered the Heart of God
dissolved into the Elysian Fields
of indescribable delight.
I drank from the cup of bliss unalloyed
And thought I had found the answer –

Until I slowly, inexorably plummeted
into the dark of night
my natural energy wasted
my brain chemistry depleted,
my sense of being in the world distorted.
My isolation became
my private prison cell
an underground bunker without exit.
My mind battling with a fury
against its own windmills
until I collapsed.
I overdosed on acid
And after a day and night of sheer insanity
my daughter came to the rescue.
Via the emergency room,
a three day hold in a Behavioral Health Unit,
I landed in rehab
soul-dead.
A little puddle on the floor.
No answers left.

Through that dark and downward spiral,
my ego crushed
my sense of self destroyed
I found a strange and motley crew
of sufferers like me
who wove a net of humble love,
tolerance and honesty around me.
It was there, at the bottom of the well
that I found myself belonging with mankind.
No longer striving to be like Her
the Great Divine Mother
or fretting that I was not good enough.
Learning to be just one
small creature amongst many
opening my heart to whoever
comes straggling through our doors
having lost all,
finding hope and love and
a shared humility in simply being
of service to one another.

No teachers, no doctrine, no rules.
No great enlightenment to attain.
Just being, simple, small, kind, me
with you.

Andrea van de Loo